Anxiety is like..

Anxiety. xanax120326_1_560
Anxiety is like a person, quite attractive, seductive at times. Enticing like the lady you always watched from afar but never exchanged handshakes with.
Mine has traits and quirks too, eyes as blue as the Atlantic, skin as brown as the sunbaked earth. White shirt, see through at times, and the resting bitch face.

Anxiety is like a bully kid at the school, calls you names and laughs at the way you walk. Would never really talk to you, but pop out of nowhere when you tumble down the stairs, just to laugh at your clumsiness.

Or maybe, anxiety is like the feeling you get while tumbling down the stairs in the first place, only it lasts longer, creating pangs of churning tornadoes in the stomach and comes on a regular basis like the annoying visitor who never makes you laugh, but cracks indecent jokes anyway.

Anxiety is like a friend, who helps you decide on what and what not to wear. Snorts out morning milkshakes laughing like a maniac when you think of trying something new, anxiety is judgemental and makes you hate yourself on every Friday.

Anxiety is like insomnia, stays awake with you for months. Takes late night strolls with you as you sleep walk through the oceans of imaginary lovers’ tears and spit lewd remarks on the bright colours on the phone screens, you tell her that you don’t have anyone to stay awake for, anxiety gives you the look and sucker punch you in the stomach.

Anxiety is like a knife, stabs you every time you’re on the brink of having a panic attack. Carves questions on your arms and keeps whispering lies in the ears; keeps telling you that it’s not real, that you’re not here, that you will not be here again.

Anxiety is like a bad lover, tosses you on the bed at nights so violently that you shatter.
Bites you on the neck, pulls your hair, hits you in the rib cage, kisses you on the wrong bones, gets jealous, keeps everyone else away, builds a wall around and bangs on them like a demon possessed until the entire world crumbles, tells you all the time that no one will ever love you like she does. Anxiety leaves you gasping, writhing in pain- she calls it making love.

Anxiety is like me, stares back from the mirror, fakes smiles and leaves me so broken, the kind of broken which will never be beautiful. Anxiety is not cute, it only celebrates a never-ending funeral in your head and does not allow anyone to love me for a lifetime.
Anxiety is the sister of depression who has been asking me to kill myself since the age of seven. Anxiety makes me create storms and poetry and stories and reasons, but it asks me to remain silent when someone asks me about it, so all I do is dance when she is not around.

Anxiety is like…

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Fractured Individuality

A North Eastern from India

It’s high time to start treating our own countrymen right.

I have always loved the sky, it is different everywhere, and it is still the same,
and it speaks differently to each of us, but accepts us all the same.
Coming from a land where the sky is always blue, even when it feels grey,
I always managed to find the silver linings in the clouds,
but the clouds are different in this new city, and so are the people.
So here are 6 things to remind yourself being a North-Eastern person from India

1. When they call you Chinese, correct them.
in your native dialect, tell them your full name and what it means to you. Show them your birth marks and tell them about the childhood stories your mother tucked you with, in the nights. Remind them of your ancestors who fought for this country, remind yourself of your ancestors, who danced among the stars with swords in their hands, and freedom was the theme of the evening.

2. They will always say that you are what you eat,
so when they call you with names of steamed and fried, foreign food items, tell them you prefer your meals boiled. Tell them about the aroma of your mother’s Eromba and how it brings you on your knees, tell them about Sana Thongba and smile with all the chillies in your veins when they get uncomfortable in calling you with the correct metaphors.

3. When you smile, do not cover those eyes,
you have got nothing to hide. They will find ways to ridicule them for being smaller or slanted than usual. Remind them about the dreams they hold, and how huge they are. Tell them about the landscapes that these eyes have beheld, and the rainbows they have witnessed after surviving a storm. Laugh at the silly ignorance, for you already know, that there is no such thing as a perfect nose, you’re already winning by breathing alright.

4. When they make fun of your accent,
Remind yourself of the sky, and the way it speaks to you every day. Ask the sky to make it rain, because we all sound the same when we hush under the music of water, let the pain wash away.
Show them the compass that you created with your accent, as it points towards your home. Tell them your full name, over and over again, until they pronounce it correctly.

5. When they harass your shy friend from college or spit on the gorgeous face of your sister,
make a fist and punch the punchlines out of their mouths, stand up for your dignity, stand up for your pride, stand up for your heritage, and roar like the sky. Grab all your courage, don’t let them break you.
They will call you small, they will call you soft, they will laugh at the anger that boils inside your rib-cage. Make your heart grow in knowledge and books, and know that your voice too can get heard when you make it loud enough. Always remember, that you are so soft, that you can’t ever be broken.

6. If they treat you like an outsider,
ask them politely not to. Tell them about the Indian blood that your heart pumps out, and how much it hurts when you build a home at a place which does not love you back. Ask them the meaning of the derogatory terms that they use like chink and gook, and fight back the racism that runs in this country, by telling them about honour and dignity and your parent’s prayer behind the name that they gave you. Tell them how every time they confuse you with any other nationality, strips away from your individuality, you are not alien. You are not alien!

So rise above the stereotypes, make your way ahead.
And speak back to the sky, for it is different everywhere, and it is still the same,
and it speaks differently to each of us but accepts us all the same.ne

My days without you

Rainbows have always been my personal favourite. They are the most beautiful reminder that you survived a storm.
The last time I gasped at a rainbow was when a mockingbird fell on the ground, without any heartbeat left in its pretty neck. I scooped it, and looked at the poor metaphor, which died of a heart failure, and I kept wondering  about the cruel timing, and if it was me, who fell straight from the sky.

Thing about mockingbirds are that they always mock, even in death, and thus I looked straight up to find the most astonishing rainbow, and I noticed that there was no gravity left on the ground.
It had been just a few days since you fell out of love with me, and I was still collecting little artefacts of you from the walls to keep me from crying.
I left the mockingbird on the park bench, weightless, as it had become, and walked back home, I was alive, I wasn’t the one who died.
And my days without you began, this time-for real!
This is how I filled my time after the break up.

– I cried till my eyes became plums.
I felt no shame in clearing my eyes from all the 3 am thoughts that I used to sleep with. I felt no shame in staining my palms with tear drops instead of tracing the creases on the bed sheet you used to leave me with. I felt no shame in reminding my face of the ice cold splashes of water. I became a droplet on my own, and I felt no shame in crying, not anymore.

– I got a haircut.
As I stopped collecting your memories from the wallpaper and the bedpost, I realised how less your fingers  actually brushed against those things. A friend texted me the only advice I would never have taken, had it been for some other reason. I got a haircut, got rid of the locks that were touching the end of my spine, and I walked back home from the salon, a lot less morose.

– I kissed a hundred kisses.
I kissed someone on my rooftop, I kissed someone at the café in the neighbourhood, I kissed a blind date, I kissed that one guy from work, I kissed my best friend. I kissed for hours, I kissed my own fingers when I couldn’t sleep. In an attempt to wipe away your name from my lips, I kissed almost a hundred kisses, and it somehow works in a bittersweet way. I once drunk kissed a pub door and it made me laugh after a really long time.

– I wrote kind words, I wrote unkind words.
This is what you get after breaking a poet’s heart. You get mentioned in small scribbled stories, you appear in every verse, or a rant. You dance unknowingly on the pages of their diary, you make appearance on all the un posted letters. You somehow manage to slither in every angry poem, or love poem, or a poem about heartache.
And so I got drunk on the moonlight and alcoholic chocolates, and wrote all the stories. I bled on the paper, with blue ink, and you became my poetic device.

– I got drunk, for real.
Alcoholic chocolates didn’t really work, so out there I go to get drunk on all the cocktails that I could think of mixing. I chose curvy glasses, and begged the gods to grant me a good time. I poured sweet wine, even sweeter than your broken promises. I gulped down five shots of vodka and it didn’t burn my throat as much as it burnt when we fought in September. I mixed my gin with vermouth and champagne and diet soda, because it makes me forget our first dance.

– I worked my ass off.
To get something positive out of the negativity that you had been devouring, all you need is to read motivational articles, listen to your boss, or sometimes, get your grandmother to knock some sense into you. The days of hiding inside my cupboard were over, and there I was, working as if nothing else lights up my life more than work. I became a dragonfly, I started emitting light, as if I was luminescent. I was exhausted, but I loved every second of it.

– I got a tattoo, and it wasn’t about you.
I stopped curling inside the blanket for hours and binge watched the whole series of Supernatural that had been aired till date. I found beautiful quotes to follow my life upon, and got an anti-possession tattoo, which helped me heal from the demonic depression, well almost! I also bought a dragon heartstring core wand, to find the magic again, somehow.

– I started living, again.
Things happen unexpectedly, hurt stays for a long time. But every cloud has a silver lining. The mockingbird  fell on the ground when its life ended, but it flew its whole life, no storm could have stopped it.
The rainbows became my personal favourite, for they were the most beautiful reminder that I survived a storm.

It was raining, and all the wounds got washed away, slowly, sweetly, eventually636031622397041720171484649_get-over-a-breakup-775x390

To the boys who taught me certain lessons about life.

1 The boy who gave me my first kiss-
 I dream of you like I would dream of the ocean. It was nothing that I expected, but I would still like to live in that moment. You kissed away all the fears from my tongue, all the doubts from my eyelashes, and all the questions from my freckled nose tip. And even though we never dated, there was sweetness in your words, kindness on your palms, and dreams in your eyes.
You taught me that the most precious moment of all, doesn’t come back to everyone, but they could be cherished forever, just the same.

2 The man who touched me as a child-
 I was five. And you were a dangerous human being, to touch a child in any inappropriate way. I know better now, but I knew nothing of your sort back then. You taught me what fear is like. You taught my innocent heart, that predators are not always strangers. You taught me anger. You taught me everything negative. You were a grown-up, who I was supposed to be looking up to, at that age, but you taught me otherwise, you taught me to flinch.

3  The boy I didn’t love back-
Your eyes spoke clearly that you loved me, and your words expressed them so.
I’m sorry, for I tried, but could not love you back, at all. And in all honesty, you always deserved better, and now that you have found someone better, it truly gives me immense happiness. You taught me that I was worthy of being loved too. You taught me that no matter how silly, how unreasonable, how unrequited love could be, one must never stop loving, one must never stop living.

The guy who made me the ‘Other woman’-
 I didn’t sign up for that. I didn’t want that. I would have never allowed that, but you made me the other woman, without my knowledge, without my say in it. It broke my heart, not because I wanted you to love me, but because I know that it was all untrue- all the sweet words, all the gestures, all the promises. But I promised you that I’d always be there as a friend, for you made me laugh when I needed to, and I hope to keep it that way. You taught me that life is hard, It is not perfect, and it gives you heartaches, but it gives you a gift of forgiveness too- keep it, cherish it, use it!

5  The boy who shares my home, my laptop and my parents-
 You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your siblings. And even though, brother,  you make me go mad with your stupid jokes, and you make me want to hit you in the face, with a stick or something, every time you fight with me over petty stuff, but when it comes to it, you are all I have.
You taught me the importance of family. You taught me that family watches your back, through thick and thin. You taught me that the blood is thicker than water. You taught me a lot, and I love you for everything.

The guy who said that he likes me because I’m not like other girls-
 Those other girls consist of my roommate, who has strong feminist views and does not feel the need to shave her legs; Of one of my best friends, who has her own share of demons to fight, but she laughs at her troubles with such bravery; Of my cousin, who paints the loveliest of the paintings and keeps the humor level steady;  Of my classmate, who is highly insecure with her body, but has the biggest heart;  Of my neighbour, who parties every weekend, and work her ass  off during the whole week, despite her unsupportive family. Those other girls are my sisters! And you taught me to know the difference between a  genuine compliment and  petty flirting, so stop trying to make me look grand by tearing them down.

The guy who is my introvert best friend-
 You are one of the best people I’ve ever known. You are the one who fought back his shyness and showered me with your kindness and humour when life knocked me down. You made me laugh, you made me smile. You became my sun-kissed blessing and I’d never forget that. And I know how phone calls make you nervous, and socialising freaks you out- but  I’d be there for you always. You taught me a great deal about friendship and love. You taught me that one does not need to be out-going or an extrovert person, to be a true friend.  I love you, in the most unadulterated form. Thank you for having such a huge heart.

The guy who swept me off my feet-
You made me love winter, you made me love wine, you made me write so many poems about love, and you made me feel so beautiful. There were no promises, no big words, no lie, no flowers- but there was you in your navy blue suit, and the cologne that made my thoughts hazy, and you asked me if you could kiss me, and I said yes because I wanted to as well. You taught me that love could be found in the people you never expected. You taught me that happiness is what we all deserve. I still think of you, every time I slow dance.
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